Failing Forward: Months Four & Five
APRIL & May Edition
So, fun story. I actually had pieces of an April blog in here that I just never got around to finishing or posting. I literally just deleted them without reading.
And in a sense, there’s a part of me that wishes I could just “delete” the last two months. Not because nothing good whatsoever happened during them - there were some beautiful special moments, but overall, these months were just a lot. I got vulnerable on the YFK Instagram and shared that I had a mental breakdown in the middle of May. After weeks of continued rushing, doing too many extra projects, spending long weekends at competitions and not sleeping after, not hydrating or eating properly in general, or taking the time to move my body or even journal, I just kinda…lost it. I couldn’t regulate my emotions. I was having constant anxiety attacks. I started keeping my phone in another room because I couldn’t handle anyone needing me for anything, whether for work or dance or just wanting to catch up. My eyes would well up any time I got a notification. Responding to texts became things added to my to-do list…I literally saw catching up as a task to do, not something I wanted to do. (And to be honest, some days it still feels that way, and that’s its own thing to unpack because I feel horrible about it…). This is also the season of parties and weddings and birthdays and random coffee dates and “let’s meet for drinks or try that new restaurant” or going on walks - a time of socializing galore. And while I’m more than happy to do the dance and carve the space to see the people I care about, I feel like I’m getting too tired to keep moving my feet in so many different directions. My introverted self needs battery charging time, and with multiple events a weekend for the next few months, it’s getting hard to find that time and not feel like I’m not disappointing anyone/everyone.
But mainly during this time, I feel like I’ve been disappointing myself. And I’m realizing I’m the main cause of all my “pain.”
While I was doing my best to show up as my best, I couldn’t be because I wasn’t taking care of myself. Which feels so dumb because after so many years of therapy and journaling and finding coping mechanisms, you’d think I’d be good at this. I know in my head all the things I need to do to keep my cup full. There’s a part of me that really did feel like I had things under control. But I guess that’s how mental health issues can sneak up on you, right? You’re okay til you’re suddenly not. Or you kept telling yourself you were okay until suddenly you weren’t. Sometimes, you remember to use your toolkit and other times, you’re so exhausted at the end of the day that you can’t even open the box, let alone use the tools inside. And sometimes, you just don’t realize it’s been so many nights of the later. (Hello darkness, my old friend…).
So, how have I been failing? And what’s the plan to maybe not fail quite so hard in the next two months? It’s all self-care, baby!
A Legit Sleep Routine: I’m the worst sleeper in the sense that my anxious brain never wants to shut off. The latest way I’ve tricked my brain is by using unserious conversational podcasts so my brain is actually able to detach long enough to nod off - which is great - yay to finding a tool that works. But what’s not great is that my husband and I fall asleep on the couch - him decompressing to Seinfeld and me with said podcast - and wake up at 4:00 am and crawl into bed for the last few hours before waking up for the day. I know it’s not good. I know. So, yeah, dedicating myself to a true bedtime routine where I fall asleep IN BED is key. I’m thinking of stretching, skincare/dental hygiene, and journaling, and I may even read again before the podcast comes on - in bed. New month, new me lolol.
Recommitting to Hydration and Nutrition: So it’s not that I’m a bad eater per se. And to be clear, there is no one healthy way to eat. I do follow a vegan/plant-based diet (after years of eating disorder issues, it’s how I’ve come to find peace with food). And I love and eat my veggies, so overall, I’d say I’m pretty healthy. I’m not like a lemon water, celery juice, kale every single day girly, I’m like a “get the side of fries always”, healthy lol. But I will say we’ve been in a bit of a rut eating the same few grains, potatoes, and veggies each week. Our biodiversity has seriously been lacking, and so has my kitchen creativity. But I’m hoping that our garden inspires more nutritiously dense meals. We also still have our jar with recipes, so I could certainly use that tool again. Mainly, I want to hack with some meal prepping because cooking meals from scratch every day has just not been the ticket! And obviously, I want to drink more water - we could always be drinking more water.
Setting Social Boundaries: I think this one is the hardest - especially as I’ve been in a FOMO type of place recently. Well, part FOMO and more part “I don’t want them to be mad at me if I don’t go.” As an introvert, I need to be intentional with the time and energy I’m expending. More importantly, I need to be not afraid to prioritize time to recharge. And that will mean saying no to someone or something - heck, more like many someones and many somethings. When I get in the spiral of anxious thinking about it now, I reflect and remember how I felt like I wasn’t fully present when I was burnt out - or at least I wasn’t fully in the moment. And I hate that. When you’re always rushing, you’re always a little frazzled, and that’s just not fun or thrilling for me, lol. Running on an empty battery just isn’t a cute look anymore…
Journaling Again: It’s going to sound simple and kind of obvious, but I made the connection the other day that when I’m not consistently journaling, I’m unable to identify my own emotions. During the time of my breakdown, when I wasn’t journaling, I could only say that I was overwhelmed or stressed or tired. I didn’t really have the ability to dig deeper than that. No wonder I wasn’t feeling super stable, I wasn’t keeping tabs on where I was at each day (and also sorting through what emotions were mine vs those of others). Recommitting to this check-in time each day is crucial, and it’s no wonder I felt like I couldn’t take care of myself. I wasn’t asking myself what I wanted or needed - I was just trying to get everything done.
Moving My Body More: As the famous book title goes, “The Body Keeps the Score” - and boy, does my body feel the score. During this time of being overwhelmed and stressed, you’d think I’d carve time to move my body so that it wouldn’t store that intense emotion. Nope. Instead, I’ve been more sedentary than ever, continually trading a workout or quick yoga video for more time on a screen. I try to walk my dog every day, so at least we get those steps in. But otherwise, it’s been feeling pretty embarrassing. So yeah, as I’m carving space to move again, I want to dive into different types of workouts - take more legit online dance and tap classes, bike outside, get to parks or go on hikes, do anything in the water - you get it. Find the things that feel like fun work, not the ones that feel like terrible work.
I feel like I could name a million more things, but I’m learning that just because I’m not accomplishing more goals doesn’t mean I’m not accomplishing any. And 5 small things can really cultivate into one big thing if you give them time. So, one step and one part of the routine at a time, right? I really just want to prolong the time between breakdowns (and continuing to avoid the hospital). Because I know I’m a human, and I’m going to have more moments of breakdown the longer I live. But I also know I got this - I have to act like I believe I do - and take of myself so I can.
I hope you’re taking care of yourself too.
Take a break, get outside, drink your water, and apply your sunscreen this summer.
And don’t be afraid to reach out for help and support when you start to feel you need it.
You deserve it. And people want to be there for you. You are loved friend <3
Resources:
resolve Crisis Services
If you or someone you know is struggling or in crisis, help is available.
Call or text 988 or chat 988lifeline.org.
You can also reach Crisis Text Line by texting MHA to 741741.
